Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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