Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
