You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
