Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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