Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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