you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
