I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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