plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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