Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize