So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
