I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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