I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
soo... how was my night?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
