Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
