i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
