And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We're too hungover to prance.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
