We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
