Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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