The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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