You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
