normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
