I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
