Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
