apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
