guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
