i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
