I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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