I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
