if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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