It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
