Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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