I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
