Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My penis needs a shock collar
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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