He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
there is puke in my bra ... again
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize