What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
