70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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