My brain says no but my pants say off.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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