whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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