hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
