I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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