i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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