Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
