my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
