i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
