Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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