i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
