This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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