So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize