I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
