Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
