From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
