i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
