Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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