Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Terrible idea I love it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
