I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
