Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
