I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
