He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize