why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
