i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
