How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
