Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
