Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
