stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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