I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
