Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
where are my eyebrows?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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